I have a really rough day yesterday. Not one I'd like to repeat again, but a place I'm still finding myself this morning. It's a very dark place. A low place. A lonely place. A place of isolation, desperation and suffocation. As this blog progresses I'll talk more about it. I want to talk about it to get it out, but I want to keep it locked away as my own little secret too so this is going to be a tough one.
Since starting school, I've found myself in a new place of fulfillment. I love school and remember years ago saying that I could be a fulltime college student. I'm loving this aspect of life and the challenge that it's providing (although I still think I may be in WAY over my head, but that's a different story). For the most part, I then love coming home. I love the hugs my kids give me when I walk in the door, but then the fighting starts. Over the weekend I got tired of breaking up the fights. It's all they did was fight, tattle and call my name. I didn't want to be here anymore; I wanted to be back at school. I looked forward to my alarm going off at 5:30 Monday morning so that I could know I was going back to peace and quiet. I cringed everytime the kids said my name. I knew it was going to be followed by "Seth did....", "Mikayla touched....." or some other going on about how someone had done something to them. As the weekend wore on, my emotions got more and more out of control. I started beating myself up for being a 'bad mom', but at the same time, not doing anything to change it. I told Tim I was running away (joking of course) but inside I really wished at that moment that I could.
By the end of the night, I made the mistake of watching Extreme Home Makeover and Oprah's Big Give. I normally love these shows and they are weekly highlights for me, but this week, they just set me off. Some people just seem to have all the luck, while others of us have to beat our heads against the wall day after day after day, just to survive. The family on EHM was a family in WV who had 7 people in their family, not unlike my own. They lived in a very small house (that they owned). While my house is bigger than theirs, it's not mine. I can't afford to buy a house. Did this family deserve a house? Sure. They were involved in community activities and were always gracious about helping and serving. This is where I started to get irritated. How much have Tim and I given? How many times have we opened up our home for months...YEARS...to various people so they could 'get back on their feet'. The first couple who lived with us stayed with us at my parents apartment above their store. I had 2 kids, pregnant with the 3rd and they had 2 kids. We had 8 of us in a 1200 sq ft apartment, that smelled like fried chicken all the time cause the frier vent was right outside my door. When they left, they had infested my house with cockroaches, not something we are used to in the north unless you are D-I-R-T-Y, which they were. But I served and I gave and I did it willingly out of the love I had for people. God would want me to serve them in this way and help them get on their feet. They since have moved to CA, then to Alaska, where she had a 3rd baby, decided she had enough and left her husband and all 3 kids. I've heard rumors she's remarried and the kids are still with her Ex. :( So sad. I won't go into the other stories of people staying with us...the last for 2 years!!!! We've served our church back home more than most people ever did. There were times where we never saw each other because Tim was gone ALL the time doing things for the pastors. Again, gracious giving. He loved serving people and loved being part of something. At the end of EHM, they surprise the family by saying that someone anonymously paid off their mortgage. Not only did they get this beautiful home built for them, they got it completely paid off! Why them????
After that, Big Give came on. If you haven't seen the show it's really got a great premise. Oprah gives each person money and they have to go out and serve someone who touches them. There are some truly touching stories on it and the people are really blessed by the money they receive. One team this week took their money and was able to turn it into $200,000 in 48 hours to help an orphanage! One team turned theirs into $20,000 to help a soldier and his family. I sat there by the end, screaming at the tv. Where's MY help? All I want is my teeth fixed. I've begged and pleaded for years. I've prayed a dentst would come forward and volunteer his time and resources. Problem is, my story doesn't appear 'big enough'. My story isn't going to bring in the ratings, so you'll probably never see me on Oprah. Fulltime college student going to be a chiropractor, alongside her husband doing fulltime school at the same time for the same thing, relocate their family of 5 kids from Michigan to Georgia. Living 100% on student loans so everything we buy, every bill we pay, etc will have a 6% interest tacked on to it starting 6 months after we graduate....graduate with a $200,000 debt load EACH! And all I want is some major dental work done, but I'm on my own. I'm slowly feeling myself suffocating behind my smile. Everday when the other students (who drive Lexus and Mercedes and have perfect white smileis) that when they talk to me, they aren't looking at my eyes but my teeth. Are they? I don't know, but it feels like it. I am going to into a profession that professionalism and friendliness count, and I'm finding myself smiling less and less, all over something that could be fixed and corrected with a few thousand dollars. And dental insurance? Don't get me started on that! $1000/mo is all they allow and that fixes what? One root canal these days???
I know there are people far worse off than me. I understand that, which is why I've been one to give as much as I can. Shoot, several months ago I took my money and bought someone at school $100 worth of groceries. He's living on the same student loans that we are and it's just him and his wife, but something had happened and they needed help so I took it from my own money and gave it to him. I don't ask for much. I'm not asking for a house, a car, someone to pay my bills. I just want dental help, and no one is there to fulfill MY dream. :(
Ok, pity party over for today. I know this was a MONDAY Mourning and it's Tuesday but it took me awhile to decide if I ws going to really write it. There is so much more, so many places on this to fill in and change, but for now this has to do. I'm off to school to face another day of learning and hopefully bring a smile back to my face.
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